Julie Noted

Friend (frnd) n.

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.

And that’s aside from the new term (verb) as in ‘to friend’ someone on sites such as Facebook etc.

I know we all have many friends in varying degrees of both longevity, closeness & confidantes. This is because friendships begin and build in many different ways. Some people you meet at school or work and spend many hours, days, weeks, months & years with them forming a bond that will have developed over time. Others start out as acquaintances of other people you know and you find you have a lot in common and a friendship forms.

In either situation things can change. Either one or both of you move on in your life in different ways , be it work, a relationship, a change in location or plain & simple we grow up. I have come to notice a true friendship can overcome some of these things. However, sometimes when people themselves change it’s not so easy, or worse you get to know someone so well that you find out things you are not so sure about and it affects both what you think of them, how much you actually like them and how much you actually want this person in your life and that of your family. Basically you start to realise ‘this isn’t working anymore!’ – I know sounds more like a relationship break up LOL “it’s not you, it’s me …”.

I think people really do like to be treated as they treat others generally but there are those people who don’t treat others the way they want to be treated and that’s where the problems start. It’s like they truly believe that everyone else was put on earth to accommodate them.

Opportunities for friendship to be proven occur over time. Energy spent on someone else purely for that person’s benefit simply because you want to provide whatever they need, whether it be company or a friend, in whatever form. It could be chatting on Facebook, a phone call here & there or girlie chat’s over coffee (substitute manly & beer as applicable). If that time and effort is only offered because something is required in return then it proves nothing except my point. That’s not friendship, that’s just using people.

For instance I knew someone once who was very upset after a meeting about their child. Their partner was away so at the drop of the proverbial hat, Alex & I decided I should go to see her. It had to be a joint decision because Cam was at home that night. So despite our own difficult situation and having to get up for work the next day, off I went. After many hours, more tears but some laughs, I like to think progress was made. I think it was then I agreed to take  a day off work to accompany her to a meeting with various professionals as moral support. And I did. Because that’s what I wanted to do and that’s what I had said I would do. I was being a friend.

Now in all the years I knew this person I had Cameron. During that time Cameron had numerous stays in hospital and not once did they visit me/us. A couple of “I’ll try to pop up” remarks but nothing ever materialised. Not a problem in the main, in the latter years I had my virtual visitors via Facebook to keep me company (still not that person I might add!) but even that is hard when you are in a room with Cam who needs constant supervision and who is such a light sleeper! Then there was this one particularly tough week in hospital. It was horrendous. Cameron was going through what appeared to be something like cold turkey although we didn’t know why – still don’t. His grandparents said they would visit but couldn’t in the end as did my ‘friend’. To be honest, it was one of the worst weeks of my life. Alex was working then coming to see us for a while before heading home to get up early again and doing the same thing over and over … like Groundhog Day but nowhere near as funny! We left hospital Friday evening and this person offered to come see me at home. I just wanted a bath and to sleep in my own bed so put them off. Seriously all week with no one to talk to and you want to come see me when I’m back home with my husband (Hmmmm)! Anyway the next day they came round. There I was thinking how nice of them (I’m obviously easily pleased because of the lack of visitors we get) until a couple of weeks later I was sticking up for them in another conversation when Alex told me! “I phoned her and said you could really do with a friend right now”. To be honest I was quite taken aback. Since when do friends need to be prompted like that especially when they know your situation so very well. I didn’t need prompting with my offers of friendship & moral support. If I had wanted to I could have let other people know we were in hospital but we don’t always advertise hospital stays because over the years there have been so many and with Cameron it’s not so straightforward and they are not always local.

In hindsight they more than likely came to talk about something else completely before I heard it elsewhere. So who or why did they come to visit? To comfort a friend after a difficult week? Because they couldn’t say no to my husband (Hmmmm)? Or because they wanted to share some hot off the press news before one of our other friends got to tell me?

And have you ever had a friend who tries to drop you in it! Nothing serious but just little things you may have mentioned as you do, about say your husband. Then when you are all together she will make subtle and not so subtle references which could cause a small issue with hubby if he was to realise. Say like when you say “There I was doing the garden, cutting bloody trees down and all he did was watch football!” (Just an example btw.) So then whenever football is mentioned in the future your friend says something like ” And what were you doing Julie cutting more trees down?! Like I say nothing to worry about but why do it. As the saying goes: It’s not big and it’s not funny! Luckily husband apparently took less notice of her than I thought LOL. I mean no one wants to know you’ve been moaning about them to others …. especially your husband.

I mean I realise you can’t dictate how people act all the time and that you can’t lay down conditions and rules for a friendship. Friendship is built on a mutual trust & respect basis or should be. So if that isn’t the case is it real? Maybe friendship is just more organic it grows appropriately to your situations and needs and as discussed recently, some people come into your life just for a reason, to teach you ……. maybe to teach you that not everyone is there for you. Don’t go sharing everything you have with someone who will offer you nothing in return.

So essentially you have to like, know, and trust someone for them to be a real & true friend in my humble opinion.  Like friendships, trust is something that usually builds over time and TRUST is one of those things that once broken is very difficult to put back together. Even if you manage to fix it you can still see the cracks. They will always be there and sometimes it’s just better to cut your losses and walk away.

This is one friendship that is not meant to last and it has run its course. Don’t hang around to be mistreated further. Spend more time with people who are special to you and who you can trust and rely on. Remember you have real friends who treat you good …. because you’re worth it. Always remember that 🙂

And on a lighter note: Since when could we no longer put our coats away for the summer? We seem to need access to them all year round now especially for the kids! 😉

Longest post so far I think.

…… it is our responsibility to learn what they have to teach us.

I have often said that the positive in having Cameron in our lives are the fantastic people we have met and if it wasn’t for Cam we wouldn’t know these people exist. By the same token some people have moved on in different directions and I hope we have learnt what we needed to from those people. Most we are still in contact with even if it is not as often as it used to be. Others we don’t have contact with, maybe because that is how it must be. A lesson has been learnt (sometimes the hard way) and we have learnt that not everyone is as good-natured or has such good intentions as we would like to think. A friendship should never be taken for granted. It should be nurtured for it is a special bond that should be cherished and we never quite know when it will be in full bloom.

Sometimes we lose touch with people, friends who were a big part of our lives but things change, we all have stuff going on and life moves on. Then a chance meeting in M&S and one thing leads to another. It may take a while but the next thing you know you are back in each others lives regularly and you know it’s meant to be when it’s like you’ve never been apart, your friendship has grown over the years, as you both have and it’s one of the most solid things in your life. When you see the word friend – that’s the person you think of.

I pride myself that I have many good friends and love it when I meet up with old friends, I haven’t seen for years and it’s like you never lost touch. I first noticed this with Ollie & his friend Rory. They can go a year without seeing each other (the Atlantic Ocean is mostly to blame for that!) but when they meet up they chat like they were at school/work together the week before. And over the last 13 years it’s always been the same. I love it! It all started when they met on holiday and ever since have been credited with founding a fabulous institution of friendship. Both families are now close friends and I once mentioned that if it wasn’t for Cameron we would not have been on that holiday at that time and they & us may have never met. Our friend said I have a feeling that we would have met somewhere, somehow. You know what I think I agree. It was meant to be.

There’s been more mileage than usual in maintaining this friendship and we have met up in some amazing places. We have all learnt many things from each other – including we love to travel, we like shopping more than them, they can travel with less luggage than the McCulloch’s (except Ollie!) and we all love various & sometimes numerous alcoholic beverages.

Then, there are really amazing people who just get you without even really knowing you. This may be a contradiction but sometimes people just get you. Maybe this is just the beginning of what will be a beautiful friendship however brief it turns out to be. Although with the invention of social networking sites it makes it easier to stay in touch and with our impending redundancies I am glad Facebook is in my life, hopefully it will be easier than my last big ‘leaving do’ – leaving Cornwall 30 years ago and then having to wait for the technology to be invented for me to find my old school mates!

There are lessons to be learnt everywhere we look but sometimes we are just too busy to notice.